The Help

I just finished reading it on Mother's Kindle. And there is something I have always wondered. The people like Hilly, when segregation ended, what did they do? Fade into the background, pretend they were always for it, or continue to resist? Hilly would be about my mother's age now. Mother was not one of the protesters; this I know. But she is not prejudiced. I have always been grateful for that.

OMG!

I can't post anywhere else, like Facebook, because people read that one who are involved in the show. But OMG, this is so hard to take! Frittering my time away....I can't even talk about it.

Messy Vs Neat

Last night I stayed up until 5:00 a.m. cleaning my house. Okay, cleaning occured until 4:15 a.m. After that, two glasses of wine, a hot bath, and a dvd took up the rest of the time. And I have been thinking about a book I once gave someone (an unintentional gift, you know how those go) that said messy people are messy because they are perfectionists. Now before you go off, think about it.

We can't clean the whole house, so we clean none of it. The idea of only one room being clean is unacceptable. We like symetry. But we rarely have time to clean the whole house, so... We want reality, not appearances. If we see a piece of paper on the floor, we think, "I need to vacuum." Since we don't have time... The "neat" person sees the paper, picks it up, and thinks, "clean floor."

So messy people are actually obsessed with cleanliness and perfection much more than neat freaks. What do you think?

I Don't Like Rain?

I hadn't gotten the mail, and I knew a Netflix was in the box waiting for me. I'd been running around in jeans and a sport bra, cleaning, and I didn't feel like putting my shirt back on. It was midnight after all. Who was going to see my pudge wobbling in the moonlight? But the thought of mosquitoes feasting on my more than ample midsection did not thrill me. But then I decided what the heck?

I stepped out into dry, relatively cool air. No mosquitoes. No feel of air wrapping you like a wet towel. A cool dry wind rustled through the short grass. No insects swarmed up in clouds as I walked through it. And I thought, this is what it was like in the desert. I remember this. I liked it then. And I like this now.

I know we are in a drought. I know the lake levels are dropping and things are burning and dying and nature is so out-of-balance...but I can't help it. I like this insect-free existence.

Don't Try Suicide

They say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But if the problem is your own inadequacy, your own incompetence, then the problem is permanent. You are always you. The deficiencies are always there. They can be masked but they will eventually be revealed. One can cling to temporary illusions of competence, believing them to be reality, but if the problem is permanent then it calls for a permanent solution.

I wrote these words when I was deeply depressed (a side effect of Ambien coupled with a natural tendency.) Yet even now, when I am not in that state, I am struck by them. The question, naturally, is what is the reality? The competence or the incompetence? I suppose the answer we are expected to give is the competence is real and the faux paux's are just that. But are they? Are we sure we have worth? Why?

Suicide is not about the job loss, the break-up, whatever. It is that voice that says "You are not enough. You have never been enough, and you never will be enough." And if circumstances seem to confirm that, well...

Summer Post #1

I am watching "What Not to Wear" and there is a blogger featured. It reminded me of my blog and I decided to post something. Not sure what I want to say, which accounts for the blog title. Probably I am avoiding all my issues. I have a dirty house which I told myself I had to clean so I could get out all my financial records so I can file for bankruptcy. Not too difficult to figure out that I am avoiding the bankruptcy.

This must be a litigious time of life for me. I'm taking my ex to court on August 11 for unpaid child support, and I need to file for bankruptcy before August 1. If only...

Hmmmmm. Are those dangerous words or what? If only....So much potential....for excuse making, for wishful thinking, for....I don't know what else. Okay, I am going to get going again, and if I feel the need for some more avoidance, I'll come back.