Don't Try Suicide

They say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But if the problem is your own inadequacy, your own incompetence, then the problem is permanent. You are always you. The deficiencies are always there. They can be masked but they will eventually be revealed. One can cling to temporary illusions of competence, believing them to be reality, but if the problem is permanent then it calls for a permanent solution.

I wrote these words when I was deeply depressed (a side effect of Ambien coupled with a natural tendency.) Yet even now, when I am not in that state, I am struck by them. The question, naturally, is what is the reality? The competence or the incompetence? I suppose the answer we are expected to give is the competence is real and the faux paux's are just that. But are they? Are we sure we have worth? Why?

Suicide is not about the job loss, the break-up, whatever. It is that voice that says "You are not enough. You have never been enough, and you never will be enough." And if circumstances seem to confirm that, well...