Parent Alienation

I had forgotten about this until I was trying to find some info on one parent twisting reality for the children and found it again.  This is definitely what's going on, and I have already fallen into the trap of justifying myself.  No more.  I have bookmarked the website and I will reread the steps on how to combat parent alienation as necessary.

One of the things it says to do is to keep a journal of key events.  So here goes.

The first year Todd and I were separated, there was no legal agreement.  I had not filed for divorce.  I called him up the weekend before Halloween and asked about the holidays.  He said he'd have to get back to me.  I called him up the weekend before Thanksgiving and asked what he decided.  He said since the children didn't live with him he got all of every holiday.  I told him no.  He then called up Sarah and asked her who she wanted to spend the holidays with.

Sarah and Alexander agonized for two days.  Finally, the Monday or Tuesday before Thanksgiving 2008, I took them to the Summer Palace on Valley Mills, and I told them I didn't think they were having trouble knowing who they wanted to spend the time with.  What they were having trouble with was choosing, and so I would choose for them.  My choice was their dad.  Sarah said no.  She wanted to spend Thanksgiving with me.  So she and Alexander did, but Alexander went to Dallas that Friday and spent the weekend with his dad.

Todd came for Sarah's concert that year, and was supposed to sleep at the house so he could go to Alexander's party the next day.  He had missed Alexander's concert due to weather.  But he got so upset when he found out Sarah had dropped Orchestra the next year, without consulting him, that everyone packed up and left that night, and Alexander missed the performance and the party on Friday.

That was on Thursday, December 18, 2008.  We were supposed to trade on Sunday, December 28, at 6:00.  At 3:00 that afternoon Alexander called.  He was hemming and hawing and didn't really know what to say.  I heard his dad say, "Don't you have a question for your mother?"  Then he asked if they could spend the whole time with their dad.  I didn't see how I could say anything but yes.  I negotiated one day of visitation.

I filed for divorce in January.  I felt I needed the protection of a formal, legal agreement.  I did Todd the courtesy of calling him.  He asked if I had told the kids.  I said no.  He immediately hung up and called them, and I met a furious Sarah on the front lawn.

For the next three years I tried to act fairly.  In 2009 we went on a Christmas cruise.  We left the 23rd and were gone until the 26th.  By Sunday the 27th the kids were with their dad.  That year I got 8 days and Todd 7.  Since he had gotten 14 the year before and I got 1 I did not feel guilty.   I cannot remember what we did in 2010, other than the kids spent Christmas with Todd and New Year's with me.  I don't remember the day we traded but I know I kept to my habit of dividing the holiday in half and not counting the day we traded as a day of visitation for either of us.  In 2011 Sarah was 18 and in college and she spent Christmas with her dad.  Alexander spent it with me and he decorated a beautiful Christmas table.  We traded on the 30th.  Todd got 9 days and I got 7.  I spent New Year's Eve at Beth Richard's party.

This year Alexander spent Christmas with Todd.  I called on Dec. 17 and asked about the holiday.  Todd said they weren't going to Dallas until the 26th.  I asked when they were coming back.  He said the 5th.  I asked when I could see Alexander and he said he guessed on the weekend.  I said no.  I said I might discuss the 31st or even the 1st but the 5th was unacceptable.  He said he would have to look at a calendar and get back to me.  I sent Alexander and Sarah a text about Mish wanting them there by the 30th.  I heard nothing else.

On the 26th I called to discuss visitation.  Todd asked for time with his family.  I began to point out that he could have spent time with his family before Christmas.  Todd hung up on me.  I sent Alexander a text that sparked a long discussion.  Todd called me back.  He was abusive, telling me I was delusional.  He told me I create my own reality.  He asked me if I was going the same way my dad did.  He denied ever telling me, when I took him to task a few years ago for letting the kids ask for the entire holiday, that he had ever said that by agreeing I said I didn't care.  And he steadfastly maintained that he had never gotten more than four days with the children over the holidays.  He maintained that 4 days out of 17 for me was fair, because 4 days was all he ever got.

The worst part was Sarah and Alexander agreed with him.  I don't know how to fight this.  If he can distort reality for them was well as himself, then all the times I acted honorably and fairly were for nothing.  All he has to do is tell them I didn't and they believe it.  I feel betrayed that they understand so little of me they believe I would act in such a manner.

But I know what is happening.  I am in contempt of court.  I can't claim Todd isn't following the court order because I'm not following it either.  So, as he was in 2008, he is free to make visitation whatever he chooses.  But he masks it by saying it is what the children chose.  Funny how for four years the children never complained of him being shorted and only getting four days out of 14 - 17.  Or will he create that memory for them too?  They will never thank me for pointing out the reality.  I already knew that all this trouble over "guilt tripping" was anger over my being right.  You never get forgiven for being right.

I have to cling to what the website said.  This is brainwashing.  The more I fight it, the more unreasonable and unstable I will seem.

From Breakthrough Parenting

• They were even-tempered, logical and kept their emotions under control. They never retaliated. A person who reacts in anger is proving the alienator's point that he or she is unstable.
  
  
  From Mr. Custody Coach
  #1 – Don’t become an alienator! Regardless of the order of the rest of the tips we present, this is the most important one.  When you’re experiencing PA, you will have a natural tendency to become defensive and explain yourself to death.  (Made this mistake)  Worse, you may want to counter and talk about what horrible things your ex has done.   (Don't think I made this one.  Well, maybe) This is alienation, too!  Don’t get suckered by your natural desire to defend yourself against false accusations.  (emphasis mine)
  #5 – Control yourself! Manage your emotions. Follow your court orders and agreements.  Avoid giving your high-conflict ex-partner any reason to vilify  you to the children more than they already have.  Frankly, they don’t need an excuse, they can just make them up.  Made up ones, you are much more likely to overcome in the long run.  Provable mis-steps, not quite so easy to overcome.

From Keeping Families Connected

Moderate Parental Alienation: These parents are similar to the first parent in that for the most part they mean well. They also understand that their child needs to have a healthy and loving relationship with the other parent in order to develop in a healthy way. Where they differ is, they believe that the relationship with the other parent should never cost them anything, interfere with or inconvenience their life. These parents operate in the emotional, selfish realm, and are very defensive. They have a hard time controlling their emotions and take everything personally. 

During periods of emotional turmoil or disagreement they mount an explosive and possibly even a violent attack on the other parent. The gloves are off and they will do anything to win. They continue to attack as long as they perceive there is a threat to their image, their selfish actions or the control they have over others. These parents are very willing to use the family court system during a child custody battle to achieve their goals of control and retribution over the “targeted” (rejected) parent whenever necessary to “win” a battle or prove a point. When the threat disappears, the alienating tactics subside. While they may not encourage the child to have a relationship with the other parent, they aren't actively sabotaging the relationship either. That is, until the next perceived threat and then the cycle repeats itself. 

I so recognize this.  I wonder if Sarah and Alexander will.

You Poor Little Fools

I am human.  And the very human part of me wants you to experience this.  It wants you to experience the twisting of reality, the challenges to your sanity, the denial of things you KNOW happened.  It is coming.  It can't be limited to me.  Someone as sick as your dad is cannot confine his aberration to only one person in his life.

It is like hate.  I told him hate does not stay in one area of your life.  It spreads.  Your dad would never have the life he does now if he had not given in to hate for Aaron.  That one decision cost him his job, his marriage, and, temporarily at least, his children.

But not right now.  Right now you are his creatures, body and soul.  I only hope that as you grow up and mature you will need the parent who is grown-up and mature.  I am just so afraid you will only take the advice of the one who had the PS3.  The one who has lost so much through his own choices, but will never see the choice.

You believe you owe him so much.  You believe he is owed so much.  He is owed nothing except your love and respect.  But so am I.  You have never hesitated to take what I was owed and give it to him, and for so many years I let you.  It is hard for me not to be merciful to the suffering, even if they suffer by choice.  But how it hurt.

And how much hurt you will go through, when he finally turns on you.  How can I wish that on anyone, even those who deserve it?  Even those who allowed him to manipulate their emotions and twist their memories, hurting me in the process?

I know it is coming.  Maybe when you are married, maybe when you have your first child, maybe when your spouse leaves you the way I left your dad.  But he will turn.  He can't help it.  I pray I am alive.  I pray I can comfort you.  I pray you will finally understand what I went through all those years. I pray to God that before I die I hear, "Mom.  You were right.  I'm sorry.  How did you stand it all those years while we treated you that way?  How did you take it as long as you did?"  And yet the only part of me that is unselfish whispers, "No.  Spare them the pain.  Let them live in ignorance, unhurt by him."

Sarah, honey, I'm sorry, but I see you marrying a man just like your dad.  You won't understand those words any more than I did when my mother said them to me.  But someday you will.  And you will blame me for being so good at hiding what he was, so that when you heard, "You're marrying a man just like your dad" you didn't run screaming into the hills.  But how can your grandmother and I be blamed?  She gave me, and I gave you, as normal a childhood as we could, hiding the personality flaws and insanity of the man we chose as the father of our children because we didn't know what else to do.

Alexander, honey, I'm sorry, but I see you becoming your dad.  One day I will be comforting your ex and supporting her decision to leave you, because you are just too emotionally abusive and manipulative for her to stand.  And like your dad, you will never know why you are so unhappy.  I don't know how to change it or fix it.  I only hope that in some way I mitigated it, diluted the unhappiness and dysfunction so that one day your grandchildren will marry emotionally healthy people.

I am not sanguine though.  Grandmommy married an emotional abuser.  Mary Lynn married one, and didn't divorce him either.  PLEASE, PLEASE Sarah, remember Aunt Mary Lynn and get rid of yours the way Grandmommy and I did.  I married one, and I see every sign you will too.  And Alexander, you get more like your emotionally abusive dad every day.  I pray somehow, some way, you take what is good about your dad, for there is good, he is not evil only all too human, and leave the dysfunction, abuse, and manipulation behind.  But I don't think so.  One day your wife won't be able to take it, and she will leave.  It will be so hard for me to support you then, knowing how you treated her, because that was the way you treated me, and the way your dad acted before you.

But such is life.

Rules for the Kids

Think of me.  When you are planning your leisure time, deliberately include me.  Don't wait for me to ask how I fit in.  It makes me feel unwanted and when I tell you so you feel guilty and then you blame me because you feel that way.

Be fair.  If it is a 14 day holiday, plan to spend seven days of it with me.  If you don't want to spend that much time with me, do me the courtesy of asking for it to be different and giving me a reason why instead of telling me how it is and blaming me when I object.

Lie to spare my feelings.  Please have it be a reason other than, "We just like spending time with Daddy more."  I know that is the reason, whatever others you give me, but I need the illusion.  You wouldn't be so brazen with a friend, or even a stranger.  Give me the same courtesy.

Communicate with me.  Don't make plans and expect me to just go along with them, especially if they involve my giving up my time with you.  I show I love and value people by giving them my time.  When you repeatedly make plans that involve my giving up time, I feel unvalued, especially when you don't ask.

Trust me.  I spent five years being as fair to your dad and supportive of your right to love him as I knew how to be.  I feel my behavior should have earned some trust from you.  I feel betrayed now because it doesn't seem to have earned anything.  If your dad says something happened, or was a certain way, then that is the way it was.  I am not who I proved to you I was.  I am who your dad says I am.

That hurts more than anything.

Rules for Mom

Never talk negatively about Dad.  

Never compare how much time we spend with him vs time we spend with you, even if it's less.

If the time we spend with you is less, don't point it out.

If you don't feel valued, keep quiet about it.  We don't show the value we place on people by how much time we spend with them.  (How do you show it then?)  If you communicate that you feel unvalued we feel guilty.  We don't like feeling guilty.

If you ask to see us, and we say yes but then don't show up, its your fault for not asking again.  If you really wanted us, you'd ask twice.  Or three times.  (Sarah, December, 2012)

If you ask to see us, and we say no, try and figure out if we really mean no.  We might mean, "If you really want me, you won't take no for an answer."  (Alexander, October 2012; Dad about two years ago.)

But don't insist too much.  That pisses us off and makes us not want to be with you, especially if you have done any of the above.  (Sarah and Alexander, December 26, 2012)

Never complain that you have to ask to see us.  Just be there when we want you, for however great or little the time may be. We will want you at some point. Be happy when we do.  And if its less than the time we want with Dad, well, its because you're not as interesting to us.  We love you, but we'd love you more if you were like him.  Or at least, we'd show our love by wanting to be with you more.  And you'd show love for us by learning about the things we like.  Just being our mom isn't enough.  

You believe one of the reasons we feel so positively about our father is because you supported us in our positive feelings and never, ever tried to poison him against us.  We haven't really thought about whether that's true or not.  We just know this.

We consider the above behavior to be fair and right and what you deserve, and we don't like you disagreeing with us.  Objecting to Dad getting twelve days on Christmas and you getting four makes us feel guilty.  We don't like feeling guilty.  We want to treat you the way we choose and not feel guilty about it.

Dad says we never split the holidays equally so we didn't.  Dad says whoever got Christmas always got New Year's too, so that's what happened, even if you've got pictures that prove otherwise.  Whatever you remember about the past, if Dad doesn't agree with you, you're wrong. 

We were with you for five years while you did your best to act fairly and honorably.  We saw you never tie visitation to child support; we heard you say positive things about our dad.   We struggled with you during the years he didn't work, and it wasn't three years of constant complaints against him.  We spent the money you gave us on his relatives for Christmas 2010, which was one third of your gift budget, and we never heard you harp on how the money should really have come from him. We spent five years watching you and learning you, but it doesn't matter.  You are who Dad says you are.

December 26, 2012

I am converting this blog into one for my children.  They may never see it.  Blogger may go bankrupt.  I may lose the account password again.  But my heart is full and my brain is busy so...

Sarah and Alexander, if you are reading this, it is hopefully YEARS after the Christmas of 2012, the first one where Alexander lived with your dad.  It is December 26, 2012, and we've just had a horrible fight over the fact that you intend on spending the holiday with your dad until January 3.  And I am both flabbergasted and betrayed.

Flabbergasted that your dad once again has rewritten history.  Denied he said things he did, told me I was crazy, taunted me yet again with the fact that your grandaddy was nuts and I was just like him, told me he never got more than four days of visitation at the holidays, and, most importantly, convinced you of the same thing.

That is why I feel betrayed.  For five years I was meticulous about giving your dad his visitation.  So many times in the summer I let you stay extra weeks, because I was working and he was not and it didn't make sense to have you sit at home alone.  I would carefully divide the holidays in half and change in the middle.  I would not count the day we changed as a day of visitation for either of us, and if the number was uneven (7 vs 8) I let your dad have the eight.  You never spent both Christmas and New Year's with the same parent, with the exception of that first year, when you spent both with your dad.  But today your dad rewrote history and said that he never got more than four days and that it was common for the one who got Christmas to get New Year's too.  And you went with it like it was true.

I went without child support and tried not to blame your dad for not working, at least not in your presence.  In 2010 I gave you one-third of my Christmas budget because he had no money at all, so you could express your love for him and his relatives with gifts. 

Your dad didn't work from June 2008 until February 2009.  In January 2009 I filed for divorce.  By the end of that month I had a phone call that came to me by accident, setting up an interview for him.  My curiosity got the better of me in early February.  I had my office mate Kim call the school and ask for your dad's conference time.  She was told he didn't have one because he only worked part-time.  But your dad lied to me (and maybe you) for the next month and said he didn't have a job at all.  He didn't admit to having one until the end of March.  I guess that is when he went full-time.  I never told you he lied, and I never told him I knew he had.

In September 2011 we went to court for unpaid child support.  After a year of "I can't get a job anywhere doing anything in the entire state of Texas," (although I am still at a loss as to why he couldn't substitute in another district) your dad had a job by the end of October.  The coincidence cannot have escaped you.  Twice he can't get a job, until I take court action, and then he gets one within a month both times.

When we went to court in September, he was assigned the minimum amount of support, based on a full-time job at minimum wage.  When the issue of the arrears came up, I asked that they not be assessed until January.  We were due back in court then and I was pretty sure your dad would have a job.  Your dad's lawyer had nothing to do but sit there.  I was the one fighting not to bury your dad under debt he had no way to pay.  Your dad never knew that and wouldn't believe me even if I told him, and of course his lawyer never said he didn't do anything.

When Alexander said he wanted to live with your dad I didn't fight. I left my job and moved.  I felt bad about keeping the child support, and I started returning it as soon as I could.  Over and over I proved that I was fair and that nothing mattered to me as much as your happiness.

And in the end none of it mattered.  If your dad said, "You never spent more than four days with me" then you didn't.  I spent five years acting fairly and honorably, and in the end it counted for...well, far less than having a PS3.  That is why, right now, I feel so betrayed.  It is like neither one of you really knows who I am.

You blame me for guilt tripping you.  Three out of five years with no child support, with rarely (I can't say never, but I really did try very hard) a bad word to say about your dad and NEVER keeping you from visiting him and you think I am all about the guilt trip.  Guys, if I was, would I have spent those five years saying, "It's okay to love your dad and to want to be with him"?  Wouldn't I have harped on the unpaid child support, the lack of a job, tried to make you see me as the more valuable parent because I was the one who stuck around and stuck with it?

The year Sarah was gone Alexander and I had a great relationship.  At least I thought we did.  We got along with almost no arguments.  It was like when our mediator left we discovered we didn't need one.  Now I am being given the impression all of that was an illusion.  Alexander and I have a horrible relationship and he avoids me.  He even lied to your dad so I wouldn't be the one to take him to Waco to see "The Hobbit."  I don't understand how things got so bad, other than Alexander now lives with your dad.  Your dad used to badmouth me all the time when we were first separated, and I can't help but think he still is, although more subtly.

You hate for me to compare your treatment of the two of us.  But the truth is your dad would NEVER have tolerated getting four days out of sixteen and I would have NEVER asked it of him.  But if I said anything I was guilt tripping.  If I said that what I was supposed to do was take what I was offered and shut up I was guilt tripping.  If I did anything but take what I was offered, however little it was, I was guilt tripping.  And yes, this blog is one big time-delayed guilt trip.  You know why?  Because you need to see your behavior for what it was, and mine for what it was.  Otherwise you will repeat it.

That day I asked you a question, and neither of you had an answer.  I asked how you wanted me to behave.  You couldn't tell me, "Take what you're offered and shut up," because that would mean I was right.  Sarah finally said, "Compromise."  But when I asked her what compromise she wanted, she couldn't tell me.  Because she didn't want one.  She wanted capitulation without protest, but not to the point that she felt unwanted.

So I am trying it the way you say you want.  Today is December 26, 2012.  Today is the day I have resolved to never again ask either of you to spend time with me.  That suggestion will come from you or it won't come. But I have no intention of waiting for you.  I am starting a life that doesn't include you.  If you want to join it, you will.  If not, well, I will have a life.