One of the things it says to do is to keep a journal of key events. So here goes.
The first year Todd and I were separated, there was no legal agreement. I had not filed for divorce. I called him up the weekend before Halloween and asked about the holidays. He said he'd have to get back to me. I called him up the weekend before Thanksgiving and asked what he decided. He said since the children didn't live with him he got all of every holiday. I told him no. He then called up Sarah and asked her who she wanted to spend the holidays with.
Sarah and Alexander agonized for two days. Finally, the Monday or Tuesday before Thanksgiving 2008, I took them to the Summer Palace on Valley Mills, and I told them I didn't think they were having trouble knowing who they wanted to spend the time with. What they were having trouble with was choosing, and so I would choose for them. My choice was their dad. Sarah said no. She wanted to spend Thanksgiving with me. So she and Alexander did, but Alexander went to Dallas that Friday and spent the weekend with his dad.
Todd came for Sarah's concert that year, and was supposed to sleep at the house so he could go to Alexander's party the next day. He had missed Alexander's concert due to weather. But he got so upset when he found out Sarah had dropped Orchestra the next year, without consulting him, that everyone packed up and left that night, and Alexander missed the performance and the party on Friday.
That was on Thursday, December 18, 2008. We were supposed to trade on Sunday, December 28, at 6:00. At 3:00 that afternoon Alexander called. He was hemming and hawing and didn't really know what to say. I heard his dad say, "Don't you have a question for your mother?" Then he asked if they could spend the whole time with their dad. I didn't see how I could say anything but yes. I negotiated one day of visitation.
I filed for divorce in January. I felt I needed the protection of a formal, legal agreement. I did Todd the courtesy of calling him. He asked if I had told the kids. I said no. He immediately hung up and called them, and I met a furious Sarah on the front lawn.
For the next three years I tried to act fairly. In 2009 we went on a Christmas cruise. We left the 23rd and were gone until the 26th. By Sunday the 27th the kids were with their dad. That year I got 8 days and Todd 7. Since he had gotten 14 the year before and I got 1 I did not feel guilty. I cannot remember what we did in 2010, other than the kids spent Christmas with Todd and New Year's with me. I don't remember the day we traded but I know I kept to my habit of dividing the holiday in half and not counting the day we traded as a day of visitation for either of us. In 2011 Sarah was 18 and in college and she spent Christmas with her dad. Alexander spent it with me and he decorated a beautiful Christmas table. We traded on the 30th. Todd got 9 days and I got 7. I spent New Year's Eve at Beth Richard's party.
This year Alexander spent Christmas with Todd. I called on Dec. 17 and asked about the holiday. Todd said they weren't going to Dallas until the 26th. I asked when they were coming back. He said the 5th. I asked when I could see Alexander and he said he guessed on the weekend. I said no. I said I might discuss the 31st or even the 1st but the 5th was unacceptable. He said he would have to look at a calendar and get back to me. I sent Alexander and Sarah a text about Mish wanting them there by the 30th. I heard nothing else.
On the 26th I called to discuss visitation. Todd asked for time with his family. I began to point out that he could have spent time with his family before Christmas. Todd hung up on me. I sent Alexander a text that sparked a long discussion. Todd called me back. He was abusive, telling me I was delusional. He told me I create my own reality. He asked me if I was going the same way my dad did. He denied ever telling me, when I took him to task a few years ago for letting the kids ask for the entire holiday, that he had ever said that by agreeing I said I didn't care. And he steadfastly maintained that he had never gotten more than four days with the children over the holidays. He maintained that 4 days out of 17 for me was fair, because 4 days was all he ever got.
The worst part was Sarah and Alexander agreed with him. I don't know how to fight this. If he can distort reality for them was well as himself, then all the times I acted honorably and fairly were for nothing. All he has to do is tell them I didn't and they believe it. I feel betrayed that they understand so little of me they believe I would act in such a manner.
But I know what is happening. I am in contempt of court. I can't claim Todd isn't following the court order because I'm not following it either. So, as he was in 2008, he is free to make visitation whatever he chooses. But he masks it by saying it is what the children chose. Funny how for four years the children never complained of him being shorted and only getting four days out of 14 - 17. Or will he create that memory for them too? They will never thank me for pointing out the reality. I already knew that all this trouble over "guilt tripping" was anger over my being right. You never get forgiven for being right.
I have to cling to what the website said. This is brainwashing. The more I fight it, the more unreasonable and unstable I will seem.
From Breakthrough Parenting
- They were even-tempered, logical and kept their emotions under control. They never retaliated. A person who reacts in anger is proving the alienator's point that he or she is unstable.
From Mr. Custody Coach#1 – Don’t become an alienator! Regardless of the order of the rest of the tips we present, this is the most important one. When you’re experiencing PA, you will have a natural tendency to become defensive and explain yourself to death. (Made this mistake) Worse, you may want to counter and talk about what horrible things your ex has done. (Don't think I made this one. Well, maybe) This is alienation, too! Don’t get suckered by your natural desire to defend yourself against false accusations. (emphasis mine)#5 – Control yourself! Manage your emotions. Follow your court orders and agreements. Avoid giving your high-conflict ex-partner any reason to vilify you to the children more than they already have. Frankly, they don’t need an excuse, they can just make them up. Made up ones, you are much more likely to overcome in the long run. Provable mis-steps, not quite so easy to overcome.
From Keeping Families Connected
Moderate Parental Alienation: These parents are similar to the first parent in that for the most part they mean well. They also understand that their child needs to have a healthy and loving relationship with the other parent in order to develop in a healthy way. Where they differ is, they believe that the relationship with the other parent should never cost them anything, interfere with or inconvenience their life. These parents operate in the emotional, selfish realm, and are very defensive. They have a hard time controlling their emotions and take everything personally.
During periods of emotional turmoil or disagreement they mount an explosive and possibly even a violent attack on the other parent. The gloves are off and they will do anything to win. They continue to attack as long as they perceive there is a threat to their image, their selfish actions or the control they have over others. These parents are very willing to use the family court system during a child custody battle to achieve their goals of control and retribution over the “targeted” (rejected) parent whenever necessary to “win” a battle or prove a point. When the threat disappears, the alienating tactics subside. While they may not encourage the child to have a relationship with the other parent, they aren't actively sabotaging the relationship either. That is, until the next perceived threat and then the cycle repeats itself.
I so recognize this. I wonder if Sarah and Alexander will.
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