Rules for Mom

Never talk negatively about Dad.  

Never compare how much time we spend with him vs time we spend with you, even if it's less.

If the time we spend with you is less, don't point it out.

If you don't feel valued, keep quiet about it.  We don't show the value we place on people by how much time we spend with them.  (How do you show it then?)  If you communicate that you feel unvalued we feel guilty.  We don't like feeling guilty.

If you ask to see us, and we say yes but then don't show up, its your fault for not asking again.  If you really wanted us, you'd ask twice.  Or three times.  (Sarah, December, 2012)

If you ask to see us, and we say no, try and figure out if we really mean no.  We might mean, "If you really want me, you won't take no for an answer."  (Alexander, October 2012; Dad about two years ago.)

But don't insist too much.  That pisses us off and makes us not want to be with you, especially if you have done any of the above.  (Sarah and Alexander, December 26, 2012)

Never complain that you have to ask to see us.  Just be there when we want you, for however great or little the time may be. We will want you at some point. Be happy when we do.  And if its less than the time we want with Dad, well, its because you're not as interesting to us.  We love you, but we'd love you more if you were like him.  Or at least, we'd show our love by wanting to be with you more.  And you'd show love for us by learning about the things we like.  Just being our mom isn't enough.  

You believe one of the reasons we feel so positively about our father is because you supported us in our positive feelings and never, ever tried to poison him against us.  We haven't really thought about whether that's true or not.  We just know this.

We consider the above behavior to be fair and right and what you deserve, and we don't like you disagreeing with us.  Objecting to Dad getting twelve days on Christmas and you getting four makes us feel guilty.  We don't like feeling guilty.  We want to treat you the way we choose and not feel guilty about it.

Dad says we never split the holidays equally so we didn't.  Dad says whoever got Christmas always got New Year's too, so that's what happened, even if you've got pictures that prove otherwise.  Whatever you remember about the past, if Dad doesn't agree with you, you're wrong. 

We were with you for five years while you did your best to act fairly and honorably.  We saw you never tie visitation to child support; we heard you say positive things about our dad.   We struggled with you during the years he didn't work, and it wasn't three years of constant complaints against him.  We spent the money you gave us on his relatives for Christmas 2010, which was one third of your gift budget, and we never heard you harp on how the money should really have come from him. We spent five years watching you and learning you, but it doesn't matter.  You are who Dad says you are.